"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am." Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I am finding this question so stirring. This guy over here with the map, that's been me, probably most of us really, looking for the "true self" as if it isn't right there inside of me. I've been so busy looking for some perfect camping spot: one with just the right balance of sunlight and shade, so I'm not seen too much; one that's close to the water but not so close that I am overly emotional when I "shouldn't" be; one with a well build fire pit, contain your anger; one that is flat with very few rocks, so that when I slip into the shadow dream land it isn't too uncomfortable.
The perfect camping place for me is right where I am, is who I am. What if I stopped trying to be someone "better" and accept myself? The first fear that pops up is, "Well, if I accept myself, I wont push myself to grow anymore. All those uncomfortable parts of me will just be there and wont ever go away! I have to hate those parts so they know they don't belong here and they will go away." Most likely, trying to either ignore or force them to change wont change them anyway.
So looking at this whole podcast experience I am embarking on, and putting myself out there more and the fears surrounding being seen, this goes right along with all of that too. When I come from a place of wanting to be a better person, than there is fear surrounding being seen as I am. But if I move from a place of wanting to be me, which is really the only way to heal those uncomfortable parts of myself anyway, I can feel a sense of impermanence that feels really comforting. Then, I don't have to BE something acceptable to others because there is a desire to be true to myself in every moment and with that comes growth and deepening and opening. I might very well say something on the podcast that I regret after publishing it. And that is just the nature of being human! We are not perfect, we are works of art in progress all the time!