How This Podcast Is My Deep Inner Work
I have a date for the launch of the podcast: February 23rd. I'm making it something to celebrate, with some giveaways and special shout-outs! If you'd like to be part of my listener Launch Team, click here.
Feb.23rd is a New Moon, the second of the year. I have set a schedule for the podcast to have a new episode published each New and Full Moon, about every 15 days. Over the past year I have paid much more attention to the moon cycles and have found it very grounding to "plant seeds" for support and prosperity at the New and honor the bounty of my life at the Full. This podcast was born out of some of those seeds I planted last year. And I'd like to share a little more about my internal process and how the podcast is scaffolding on by transformation.
I keep hearing "be bold, don't hold back, now is the time to expand into who you truly are." But, how do I know what that truth is? I have not been someone who has had big goals or dreams. In some ways, I have avoided all things risky and scary. I have not allowed myself to dream big since I was a kid, when I held both the dream of being a doctor who could cure my sister's health issues AND being a famous actress. Ha, piece of cake; I can do both! Since letting go of both of those dreams, I have played it really safe the last 10 years. I found a way to use some of my gifts as a therapist, which allowed me to feel purposeful while not really taking a stand about much. I have been afraid that putting myself out there will mean harsh criticism and perhaps even regret. But I began to notice that even as a therapist, I did have opinions, desires and ideas that I wasn't allowing myself to own. I was fragmented.
This actually stems back to my early childhood, when my parents were separating. Part of what I internalized in that process was that the safest place to be was nowhere. If I didn't have strong feelings or opinions, someone else would have to make the choice/decision and whatever happened would not be my responsibility. I hid myself this way for years, most of my life actually. I have been in a slow process of recognizing this, taking up more space and allowing my opinions, needs and choices to be known.This is what scares me most about starting a podcast. Once I put something of myself out in the world, people will have opinions and judgements. How do I not let the opinions of other's inflate or crush me? As basic as it might sound, this is my work right now.
I once had a dream (still do actually) of making a movie of an ancient story that I grew up knowing. I remember telling an artist fried of mine about the idea about 15 years ago. I told her what was stopping me (besides billions of $) - "What if people don't like it?!" Her response? "Oh, they won't. I guarantee some people won't like it, but you're not making it for them. Can I tell you how many people told me they didn't like my voice when I first started singing? If I had stopped then I wouldn't be where I am today. You have to do it for you, not for anyone else."
There is something big for me to break past by being more open and seen by others, by allowing myself to want to be the person I truly am. And I'm still sitting with the question, how do I not let the opinions of others inflate nor crush me? I am up to learning how to trust myself and my close people for truth and honest reflection. But biggest of all, I welcome a process that will allow me to learn to shed the fear that rises at the thought of just being me.
So, publishing this is perhaps my first venture into sharing more candidly and honestly about why I'm doing things and how I am feeling about it. Thank you for reading!